GoG and The Unholy Kingdom
by God of Gambling
According to legend I look sexier drunk.
I think I'm sexy all the time.
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HI HI! I'm Darcy Cartmill but I like to call myself God of Gambling when I'm on the internet. The name came about not because I'm actually good at gambling, because I stole Master of Zombie's original nickname (which we stole off of the HK movie God of Gamblers anyway) for the purposes of being a retard on the internet. UnFortunately my master plan backfired and I ended up finding out that it's way too hard to TRY to be an idiot when everyone else around you is infinitely more annoying and purile than you'll ever be.
Faced with the facts I decided that I might as well actually use the internet for intelligent conversation. This also proved to be a problem since intelligent people seemed to find "ZOOT ZOOT! POOP MOBILE COMING THROUGH!" to be completely retarded as well.
With nowhere left to turn I found myself out on the slums of the internet, sucking back any form of humour I could find like a cheap forty of Colt. Somewhere between "SUCK STREET" and "MEME ROAD" I found out that for the most part the internet really isn't funny, and then I cried. I cried and I couldn't stop because I understood that this would never end, piles and piles of unfunny material, made by people trying to be funny, growing exponentially.
Maybe it was disgust, or maybe it was insanity. Either way I made my way to a Yu-Gi-Oh! forum made up of mostly fangirls. They took me in, comforted me, and taught me their ways. The other places I had been were filled with people who photoshopped pictures about how "ST00PID FURRIES AND FANGIRLS MUST DIE!!1" and people who used the Goatse as a weapon against anything they didn't like. The fangirls were completely removed from this world of retarded VS retarded, and for once I felt at peace.
Fangirl Lesson: Yes, all animated men are hot and gay. Fist of the North Star does not exist.
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Not that there weren't problems with this place as well. It suffered from things like bad typing, teenage angst, and an assortment of other fangirl problems, but it was better than the alternatives. I'd rather see fangirls arguing about whether or not Seto belongs with Joey or Yugi over people failing bad at the funny every single day of the week. Then again, maybe that's just the fangrrl magic that the fangrrl witches cast on me in an effort to keep a bishie around. I can never be certain.
Eventually I ended up meeting one Yggdrasil's Third Root. She was all like, "HA HA!" and I was all like, "HA HA!" and we decided that we should start some club for all the cool people at the message board. That's where the whole Unholy Kingdom name comes from, 'cept back then it was the Unholy Kingdom of Yu-Gi-Oh! Shadow Realm Message Board. Basically something that I'd be ashamed of if anyone I knew in real life ever saw it.
It was fun while it lasted, we made a forum, and then this webpage to display our work. I encouraged a bunch of people to write for it, and hoped that one day it would become something special. Sadly, it seemed that I was really the only one who felt like writing for this, and the few people that did write things ran out of ideas quickly. After a few months I was the only one writing, so it occurred to me that I might as well give them all the shaft ('cause I'm a cunt). From the wreckage that was that community I made the Unholy Kingdom into my own personal pissing ground.
So it's pretty much me ninety-nine percent of the time bitching about stuff you really probably don't care about. Irrelevant as fuck really, and I do mean fuck, but I'm not sure about the really.
"Your Royal Flush is impressive, but not as impressive as my twelve of a kind!"
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One day I hope that I'll be as good at poker as Devilfish Ulliott. On the one hand I'm arguably better looking and definitely less British, on the other hand, he's richer and his poker exploits are legendary. I'm pretty sure he could beat me at poker using potato chips, I'm also pretty sure that he's a better person than me too. This just makes the fact that I call myself God of Gambling that much more sad, even if it does give me something more to aspire to than child molester.
Speaking of child molesting, lolikon is great. It may be just as chilling as real child porn, but it easily has half the guilt of looking at real kiddie porn. Not that I'm ever EVER going to support Men and the Anonymous for the Legal Exercise of Rape on Underaged Girls (MALERUG), or that I'd even consider ever touching a little girl (because children are our future and I'm relying on them to develop immortality for the generation that almost cared about them, but found pot instead), more that seeing cute things having sex with other things is a lot more interesting than another woman with big breasts. Speaking of which, for the ladies still in the audience feel proud of your small rack, 'cause I'm probably feeling it right now.
I still don't see why society doesn't worship the small breast. It's way more manageable, way cuter, and way more realistic. I guess it's one of those things that the media bred into the beer drinking men, and the completely vain women of world (all women are vain... not as vain as me mind you). I completely support you small breasted woman, may you go into the world with little support in your cup. After all, you won't even need to worry about sag in your later years, and I think that's something you can be proud of.
You know, styling your hair to look like an anime character is not only stupid, it looks like crap. Speaking from experience given to me from the barrages of paper balls and rocks the style recieved from the critics.
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When I was in still school, I was the guy that went out of his way to get made fun of. I'd usually go around bothering people with acts of homosexuality, hump walls, or turn my front bangs into two gelled up icicles because it reminded me of Fei Fong Wong's hair. Sure it was massively stupid, but on the other hand it made me laugh. On a more important note; no dates, lots of masturbation.
Hey, being stupid is fun and all, but it's not going to get you laid. Unless you're horrendously sexy or famous, being a comedian usually makes girls not want to give you blow jobs, even if you want it badly. On the other hand, being a musician is where it's at if you want quick pussy. I mean, when's the last time you heard of Bill Murray being lusted over by gays? Meanwhile Good Charlotte ends up on top twenty lists for the hottest men. Heck, it seems that just being able to play Wild Thing on a guitar is enough to guarantee you easy women while you're still in the educational system.
Not that I haven't tried playing Wild Thing, I just suck at music. I just end up spending most my time arguing to the geekified (this includes me) about how much better SNK is than Capcom, or whether or not God-Jesus could actually beat Superman in a fight. Of course this is a lot more interesting when I'm drunk, because then I just wave my arms around a lot and make retarded reasons for everything. I'm sorry guys, even though I'm number one when it comes to liking all-things geek I still find three hour arguments about Captain America beating Batman to be completely boring (and wrong) so you're really forcing me to get drunk.
As for why you're reading this page... well how the fuck should I know? I mean I'd have to point out some sort of quality of this that would actually make it entertaining to someone else other than me. Really now, I don't see how anyone else is even interested in this stuff. If you can tell my why though, I'd be grateful if you let me know.
Really, I'm completely lost here guys.
